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What Should I Do?

...Continued from last post

Things at this point were very good. I was excited about my job, I loved what I was doing and I really thought this was the path that I was meant to be on. I was having fun living down in Orange County, I was working a lot, and playing a lot as well. I had a pretty full social calendar with my friends from the YSA ward (ask your LDS friends what this means) and I volunteered with the Irvine Korean Cultural Festival. By no means was I just passing time, or waiting for life to begin; Life had already begun. 

Around March of 2012, the rosy picture wasn't as rosy as I had originally perceived. Once again I began to feel unsatisfied in general. Ready to pack up at that point and try something different, I decided to pray. I wasn't fully committed to receiving an answer, but I prayed and was willing to listen. The answer that came wasn't really clear, but what I did know was that I needed to get out of debt and be qualified to go on a mission. (To be clear, I had not received any indication that I was to go on a mission as of yet, but I knew that certain things needed to be in place, and in order and felt that being prepared to serve a mission was a worthy benchmark of being on the right path.) So at that point, I made the decision to work toward the inspiration that I had received. I started focusing more on paying off debt and less on having fun, I started to emotionally detach from work. I still worked the best I could, but tried not to get really emotionally involved with what I was doing. I still felt uneasy about my situation in general, but I knew that I was on the right path.

After several months of just plodding along, I eventually started to feel unusually anxious, some things had happened that had really impacted my sense of spiritual well-being, and I knew it was time for a change. 

[Looking back on that time, I can see now that God had let me have my fun, but was preparing me to receive direction from Him in a way that, not only I would understand, but that I would also listen and follow when it came.]

Right around August, I was working toward the goal of attending the temple regularly for Baptisms for the Dead (Baptisms for the Dead - lds.org) in order to be able to feel closer to God by visiting His house. I had made plans to go on a Thursday morning with a really good friend. The plan was to go early so I could still make it to work on time. As I prepared to go, I realized that I had lost my wallet which had my temple recommend in it (Purpose of Temples - Mormon.org). Without my recommend, I was unable to go to the temple. Having been anticipating this trip, and having had a really strong conviction that I was meant to go to the temple that morning, I started to freak out a little. I wanted the guidance and revelation that comes from attending the temple, and in my soul I felt that I NEEDED it! I searched my room and my car frantically, looking for my wallet, which couldn't have been anywhere else. After about an hour of searching, I sent a text to my bishop trying to explain my situation (it was probably several texts), knowing that it was highly unreasonable to expect to get an appointment on short notice, I very presumptuously asked if he could meet that morning so I could get an interview with him to get another recommend ASAP. Being, in all probability, the best bishop ever, he agreed to meet with me at 9:20 and I had my good friend drive me over to the chapel to meet with him. At this point I was already late for work and, on the way to the chapel, I called in to work to let them know I would be a few hours late that morning.

I went in for the interview and got the recommend, and my friend and I went to the temple. Feeling gratified and still a bit stressed I had the attitude of "bring on the revelation, hoorah!" As can be expected, it wasn't that easy. As I entered the temple, my mind went completely blank. The longer I was there, the more and more blank it became. To the point of not even really being able to remember why I was there in the first place. I felt tense, unsatisfied, and probably not very Christ-like. Once I realized that it was hopeless to fight whatever force it was that was frustrating what 'I wanted', I started to focus on being present for what it was that I was doing. The feelings didn't really get better, but I was trying to serve in a giving, loving way, despite my sour attitude. As I was changing into my street clothes, I remember just a feeling of being completely dejected. I was so confident that I was going to get what I wanted and what I came there for (which at that point, I still couldn't remember what that was) and was ready to just get on with my day. This wasn't really the calm, spiritually uplifting experience that I was hoping for, but little did I know that what was to come next would turn my life completely around.

I walked out of the doors of the Newport Beach Temple, ready to go and for it all to be over. As the door clicked shut behind me, I heard a voice, a calm yet powerful voice, that said "Quit your job, and go on a mission."

To be continued...

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